Hello. I'm Fat.

I was thirteen years old when I began my first diet.  At the time, I stood 5'7" tall and weighed 136.  I compared myself to the flat-stomached girls at school and hated, despised, and loathed my body.  Never mind that my weight was perfectly normal for my height.  My self-consciousness was also perfectly normal, but no one told me.  I was a teenager obsessed with my body and its imperfect shape.

With visions of thinness in my head, I embarked on my first diet.  I sent away for a booklet from a teen magazine and promptly eliminated junk food from my diet, quit eating buns with my hamburgers, and  embraced calisthenics.  (Jumping jacks, push-ups and a lot of sit-ups.)  I lost thirteen pounds and my formerly snug jeans became baggy.  I said to my step-mom, "Hey, look at how loose these jeans are!" and she said, "Oh, they probably stretched out."  I weighed 123 pounds and thought, Well, if I could get to 115, then I'd be skinny!

Even though I told myself I would die ("cut off my head," is the phrase I used) if I ever weighed more than 140 pounds, my weight creeped  the second I reintroduced potato chips into my diet.  I remember the exact time, too--a car trip from Washington state to Ohio over our Christmas break.  I also ate more than my share of pancakes with syrup along the way.  Thus began my lifetime of gaining, losing, and gaining again.   

When I look back at the rare photographs of myself throughout the years, I'm shocked to see an average -sized person, not the hideous fat cow I imagined myself to be.  Back then I would say, "I am so fat," and my friends would say, "No, you're not!"  I never believed them.

And then the day came when I said, "I am so fat!" and no one disagreed.  I stared in horror at a picture of myself--taken on a day that I thought you looked fine, not great, but fine, and discovered that I really, truly was fat.  I opened my eyes and realized I didn't recognize the double-chinned woman looking back in the mirror.  How did this happen?

Now, Kirstie Alley proclaimed to the world that she had no idea she was fat.  I understood.  When you start to get fat, you hide inside your house tucked into elasticized clothing and avoid those jeans that used to zip and bit by bit (and bite by bite), you get fatter and fatter until one day, you really see what you've become.  You realize that your best "friend" comes in a bag, wrapped in shiny foil and as it turns out, that "friend" is stabbing you in the back.  (You know her, right?  The "friend" known as "Candy"?)  Your "I'm full" button seems to be broken and you avoid mirrors.   You wake up eager to eat and go to bed with a stuffed full belly.

The question is how will you make permanent changes in your life so you can strip off the elastic, zip up your "goal" jeans and step out onto the porch? 

Kirstie Alley had Jenny Craig.  I have ClubMom.  This is the beginning of the story.

I'm even going to confess my actual weight, a mysterious number never before spoken aloud.  Stay tuned.   

(Meanwhile, you can always visit me at my personal blog, Actual Unretouched Photo.  And feel free to call me "Mel."  All my friends do.)

Comments

[Deborah]

You've spoken my mind very well. Thank you.

Congratulations on the new spot. Looks great.

[Anvilcloud]

Congrats Mel.

[Tess]

here you are! me and my doublechinned self are joining you on the journey

[Donna]

Congratulations, Mel! Great writing as always. I do think you have just created your own weightloss support group.

[Melene]

Congrats! Great writing as usual and the site looks great. I will happily keep reading and probably get some inspiration.

[BigSlice]

Hi, Mel! Yay! Another dieting mom! I can't wait to read more.

[sallyrogers]

Yee haw!!! Let's go down the road to skinny together!!!

[NTE]

Congratulations, Mel! I will definitely stay tuned, as I'm trying to lose my extra weight too.

[Jennifer]

Congratulations on the new blog. I'm thinking I'm going to join you on the weight loss journey. Kirstie has Jenny Craig, you have Club Mom, and now I have you. Don't worry. No pressure. ;-)

[judyh58]

Too cool.

[ann adams]

Just came over from Gina to wish you well. Congratulations.

[Suzanne]

I'm fat too. Perhaps your efforts will inspire me. :)

[SMIT]

Like the new site - it looks great! I'm looking forward to the trail ahead!

[april]

Mel,
Your photo does not look like a fat person, you really are very pretty. I do hope you succeed so you can look in the mirror again and see that pretty face for yourself.

[Elizabeth]

Ok. I'm going to have to take issue with Suzanne because I've met her and she is not fat. I know fat, fat is my friend, and Suzanne is not fat.

I too weighed 135 when I was 18 and thought I was a fatso. Now I'd give a box of Girl Scout cookies and a Yoo Hoo to be at 135.

Good luck!!!!!!

[Heather]

Congrats Mel! Proud to know you! And I wish you heartfelt best wishes (and empathy) on your weight loss journey.

[Yvonne]

I'm right there with you, Mel. I joined Weight Watchers (again) 2 weeks ago (I was Lifetime about 2 1/2 years ago....sigh) and so far have lost 3.2 pounds. My 13 year old is going with me, and he has lost 3.8....in 1 week! He is helping to keep ME on track, rather than vice versa! Hang in there - oh and for a great great weight losing tool, check out Hungry Girl.com - it is wonderful!!! I get an email every weekday with great tips, restaurant item reviews and new store items - plus tons more advice and whatnot. Check it out - right now - go on - you know you're dying to see it - so go already! (why are you still reading this......GO!)

[Andi]

I read your story and saw my own written between the lines.

[Becca]

This is your 5'4" sister who at last count weighed 191, a lovely 50 pounds heavier than I should be.

Genetics and clean plate club....

Remember Ms. Alley is known to have a "previous" cocaine addiction. That's my 2 cents before we give Jenny Craig Corp. too much press.
GOOD LUCK to all of us including you Mel!

[Patti]

I too have been battling for years. I decided today that I WILL NOT buy a bigger bra or bigger jeans. I am sadly also battling genetics and WILL beat it. Thanks for being here.....\-/ cheers to us.