The Diet Naked Blog

(Shhhhh. I couldn't stay away, I guess.)

I saw myself in the mirror earlier tonight.  I am fat. 

I deserve it, too.  I've eaten too much, I've eaten the wrong things.  I've regressed and turned back into the person I was when I started this blog, a person who blockades feelings with food, a person who eats feelings for lunch and dinner.  (But weirdly, not breakfast.  I'm not awake enough at breakfast to be aware of my feelings, I guess.) 

I don't know what to do.  Wait.  I do know what to do.  I need to eat less, exercise more.  I need to write about it. 

I don't know more than that, but I know that.  I think writing helped me untangle myself from the mess I'd gotten into and now that I'm tangled up again, I put my trust in writing again. 

This is what I think.  I think that success for me involves no cheating, no exceptions, no coddling myself. 

I really, really, really hate how I look.  I hate how I feel.  I hate my clothes, I hate my hair.  I hate everything, really.  I am in a mood.

What came first?  The mood or the binge?  The mood prompts me to binge.  The binge puts me in a dark mood.  It's a horrible circle and the only thing to do is grab ahold of it and wrench it into submission.  All I know is that I have to cut sugar.  It has to be complete, absolute, no half-hearted attempt.  Otherwise, sugar wins.

I hesitate to post this.  I'm kind of thinking about saving it until tomorrow.  Maybe I will have a change of heart by morning. 

It's embarrassing to be fat again.  Everyone maintains a tactful silence on the subject, of course, but I can hear their thoughts.  Oh, she looks so heavy.  What a shame.  She gained that weight back.  I know.  People so easily discuss your weight loss with you, but never your weight gain.  It would almost be a relief to discuss the weight gain--then I could explain about my crazy year, about my full-time job, about the reasons I stopped exercising, which seem valid, yet, really?  Let's talk priorities. 

I fell off my priority list.  I'm not entirely sure I still have a spot on my list, but I have to push myself back up on the list.  My back hurts.  My clothes don't fit.  My jaw has been replaced by an extra chin.  I hate it.  I hate how I look.  Hate.  Hate.  Hate. 

Okay.  Well.  I guess I'll be here again sooner rather than later.  I can't face another season of being fat.

My face is fat

I know.  This blog is on hiatus.  But where else can I lament the pudginess of my face?  Every photo I take I immediately erase--thank GOD for digital cameras.  No film was harmed in the taking of this image . . .

Also?  I heard last night on a promo for "The Biggest Loser":  "I did it.  I changed my life."  And I thought, 'No, actually, all you did was change your body.  Your life will be exactly as you left it when you went to The Ranch.'

Because this is what I know from my experience losing weight (and gaining it back again).  Your weight might change but your life is still your life.  Even when you're wearing size 12 pants (instead of size 18), you will have a fight with your husband, your children will bicker, and you will pay too much in taxes. 

Your weight does not equal your life.  Your weight is just the state of your body as you live your life.

Two different things. 

I'm fatter now than last year, but my life is pretty good. 

But I'm not really loving seeing my chubby face in the mirror.

This Blog is on Hiatus

You can find lots to read in the archives.

You can find me on Facebook.

You can follow me on Twitter.

I still post over on my personal blog, Actual Unretouched Photo.

I will be back.  Sometime.  You can also email me at Melodee (at) gmail (dot) com.

Announcement

On the day after Easter three years ago, I gave up sugar, white flour, potatoes and white rice.  It was my last-ditch effort to lose weight and I was scared.  I had agreed to write a blog for ClubMom.com (which no longer exists) and I feared embarrassment and failure.

Instead, I found success and a community of supportive, lovely blog readers.

And so with regret, I must announce that I'm putting this blog on hiatus.  For over a year, I have been working full-time online (for CafeMom.com--awesome website you should check out).  I have four children and a husband.  And now, I have committed to writing a novel by Thanksgiving.  I am at my breaking point. 

Clearly, something has to go.  And that something is this blog.  Just for now. 

Meanwhile, I started my day with a bowl of old-fashioned oatmeal and a pledge to stop eating white flour, white sugar, white potatoes and white rice.  I am determined to peel off the weight that found its way back to me.  (I lost 60 pounds and regained 40!)

Now, please don't abandon me! 

You can still find me blogging over at Actual Unretouched Photo. 
You can follow me on Twitter or Facebook. 
You can email me at Melodee (at) gmail (dot) com.

Plus, I have fantastic archives you can browse, even though there will be no new content for now. 

I wish you all well.  Please keep in touch.

I'm in California

It was strange.  When I flew out of Seattle this morning at 6:45 a.m., rain pelted the windows of the airplane.  When I landed in San Jose ninety minutes later, the sun was shining, birds were singing and I hadn't even eaten the snack they gave me.  I might have if I had remembered.  But I was way too tired after getting four hours of sleep.

But enough about me. 

What I want to talk about is other people who have gained weight back.  (Smite me now for having noticed; I feel bad about it, but I can't help it.)  I noticed last night while half-heartedly watching ER that one of the nurses on that show gained back a lot of the weight she lost a few years ago.  And Kelly Clarkson appears to have gained weight.  And I think it's sad that I notice these things . . . but how can I not?

And that is why I know that everyone can't help but notice my weight gain.  I judge and therefore, I feel judged.

I really have no analysis or even a commentary.  Actually, my contacts have stuck to my eyes and my headache reminds me that sleep is actually NOT optional, despite my deepest desire to eliminate sleep entirely from my schedule.  Also, I am sitting on a vinyl couch in a lodge in the area that has wi-fi between two people who are comparing who they know.  They are quite entertaining, but I cannot think straight or see straight, so it's probably best that I end this.

Looking ahead

You know, being fit really is better than being fat.  Wearing smaller jeans is better than wearing bigger jeans.  Being able to run down the street without having a cardiac event is good. 

All of these things are better than overeating . . . and yet, I overeat--or just eat poorly--instead of being fit.  I overeat instead of wearing smaller jeans.  I overeat instead of running down the street.

And as I have said before and will say again, I am going to get it together.  I am going to make eating well and exercising daily a priority.  But not until after next week. 

Next week looks like this:

1)  Work Monday through Thursday a total of 30 hours.
2)  Take care of house and kids.  Prepare house for my absence (in other words, clean out fridge and wash all dirty laundry.  Consider mopping kitchen floor.)
3)  Pack clothes which disguise unfortunate weight gain.  Ha ha ha ha ha.  I did buy several new bras.  Believe me, if you saw me, you'd thank me.
4)  Pay bills, clean off desk, write sporadic blog entries.
5)  On Friday, arrive at airport at 6 a.m. (ouch, that hurts), fly to San Jose, California.  Meet friends at airport, pick up rental car, drive to conference.
6)  Participate in conference Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.
7)  Fly home.  Resume life.  Resist total collapse.

Now, here's the good diet-related news.  The food at the conference includes  many healthy choices.  The surrounding area invites long walks under majestic Redwood trees.  So, I can kick-start my diet lifestyle change when I arrive.  It's always easier to eat healthy when people are watching your plate (or if you imagine they are watching your plate), right?  Even before then, I am going to be watchful and sensible.  I am.  I will.  Really.

Anyway, that's how life looks here.  How's life look where you live?

Checking in

Howdy.

I'm just barely paying attention to my diet.  Well, that's not even true.  I'm half-heartedly eating healthy (for instance, a huge salad for dinner but yesterday?  more than one donut) . . . I am scatter-brained and stressed out and working all the time.  And when I'm not working, I'm trying to catch up on laundry and cleaning and errands and . . . everything.

I contemplated shutting down this blog.  But I think that's just my stress-level speaking.  I'm focusing on a writers conference I'm heading to in a few weeks and I can't really focus on anything else.  This blog feels like a weight, which could be good if that weight is an anchor and keeps me from floating away. 

But I am here, still.  At least when I eat a donut I eat it with full awareness that I should not eat it.  That's something, right?

Reality Check

I was washing dishes, thinking.  I thought about my dad.  He died when he was 47 years old from malignant melanoma--that's skin cancer. 

The only time I can remember that he was skinny was after the chemotherapy he endured to cure Hodgkin's disease.  He threw up a lot and said that the cure was just about worse than the disease.  He went on to live less than twenty more years.  During those years he occasionally struggled to lose a few pounds and get into shape. 

But mostly, he was somewhat overweight.  He didn't take very good care of his body.

I didn't care about his weight.  I bet he wouldn't care about his weight either, given the reality that life is so short.

However, on the other hand, you never know how much time you have on this earth--and if I live to be 102, as my grandmother did, I would like to be as fit as possible as long as possible. 

I have to balance obsession with the size of my jeans with concern over my own health. 

I'll let you know if I find a magic wand to accomplish that task.

(Yes, I know I didn't post a weight.  Stepping on the scale this morning was a disappointment and I don't want to talk about it.  Let us never speak of it again.)

Lifestyle Change

When I embarked on this weight loss journey almost three years ago, I was desperate.  I was afraid that nothing would ever work, that I was destined for fatness and that somehow I'd have to learn to live with two chins.  I chose a diet that I could live with forever.  For.  Ever.  It included popcorn at the movies and a square of dark chocolate every day.

And then I lost fifty-five pounds or so.  It wasn't that difficult, either.  It was like magic, really.  Oh, nostalgia!

I was kind of smug because finally, I had made a Lifestyle Change, that elusive permanent solution to weight problems.

The only problem was that just as I'd incorporated that Lifestyle Change, my lifestyle changed!  Instead of crawling out of bed at 6:00 a.m. for a morning walk with a walking buddy, I began working until midnight and dozing until far past dawn.  Instead of a part-time job, I started working forty-hours a week--not counting all the "non-work" that is involved in taking care of four kids, a house, three cats and one husband.  Oh, and speaking of husbands--instead of having a husband working three minutes away who was available to run errands and sometimes help me during the day, he took a new job and began working eleven hour days in another town. 

Pretty much everything that constituted my lifestyle changed.  And I have yet to fully adapt to those changes.

I am making jerky attempts to find my groove.  Working out with the DVDs in my living room has been a surprisingly fun thing to do.  And now the days are longer and I think I might be able to fit in a semi-regular evening walk (depending on my husband's crazy schedule).  I am trying to eat in moderation and not freak out if a cookie jumps into my mouth.

And I'm no longer smug.  I'm humbled my by failure, by my reactions to the stresses I encountered in 2008.  Instead of prancing along a high-wire without a safety net, I'm more like someone who lost her balance who now precariously clings to the high-wire with arms and legs wrapped around it, inching along on my belly, hoping to avoid splatting on the pavement below.

So much for my Lifestyle Change.  Funny how old habits lurk just under the surface!  (Ice cream still soothes me, even though I know I should know better.) 

Pom, Dei Fratelli, Aquafull and The Ultimate Metabolism Diet

I've had an empty POM juice bottle on my desk for a week as a reminder to tell you about this product.  While I'm at it, I thought I'd mention a couple other items as well. 

* * *
I received a case of POM Wonderful juice.  POM is 100% pomegranate juice.  It is all-natural and contains no added sugar.  One of my teenagers claimed it was "bitter" and then drank three or four bottles!  I drank a couple myself and became a POM fan.  The juice reminds me of cranberry juice--it's tart and delicious.  It turns out that 100% pomegranate juice is good for you, too--studies have shown benefits to your cardiovascular health, for instance.

Check out POM Wonderful for more information.

* * *
The Dei Fratelli company sent samples of their tomato products.  I used the low-sodium diced tomatoes the other day.  This product is all natural and low in sodium and delicious!  Do you realize how good tomatoes and tomato products are for you?  I hate raw tomatoes but use cooked tomato products in many different ways, from casseroles to soups to pastas.  You can see the wide variety of products right here and order them online (the prices are pretty reasonable, too)

* * *
The creator of Fullbar.com has come up with another product to manage hunger.  Aquafull is a dietary supplement you add to a 16 ounce water bottle.  It contains inulin and flavorings, so you end up with a flavored bottle of water that contains fiber--thus helping you feel full.  Each packet has less than twenty calories and four grams of fiber.  Flavors include Berry Bliss and Zesty Lemon Tea.  The idea is that you can drink water with Aquafull thirty minutes before you eat and then eat less and feel satisfied. 

* * *

Finally, the PR department at Hunter House Publishers sent The Ultimate Metabolism Diet by Scott Rigden, MD who is a "pioneer in the emerging field of functional medicine."  He explains that five known metabolic disorders can sabotage your weight-loss efforts and explains how to correct those problems so you can lose weight again.  This book contains a lot of information--and frankly, seems a little complicated at first glance.  If you'd like to win a free copy, leave a comment here.  I'll choose a winner by the end of the week.

* * *
I am aware that I never chose a winner for the Brita filter pitcher and water bottles.  Please forgive my oversight.  I will choose a winner for that at the end of the week also and get those items sent out!   Things are crazy around here. . . however, I began my morning with lunges and weight work for my arms, so in approximately six hours my arms will fall off.  And then I will weigh less!